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Rules for swearing in client meetings

Published in notes, satire.

IF: Client does not swear at all during first meeting.

THEN: Do not swear until and unless client initiates swearing in future meeting.


IF: Client drops a casual “shit” during first meeting.

THEN: Respond with anything in the “dammit – bugger” range.


IF: Client does not swear in first meeting, but manages a “tosspot” in second meeting.

THEN: Client is testing your swear-sensitivity. Respond with appropriate use of “arse”.


IF: In any meeting, client makes use of creative modern swearing (such as “wanknoodle”, “shitwagon”, “fuckdangle” etc), they are signalling an openness to new ideas.

THEN: The door is open for you to swear, but try to match your client’s creative approach. Use of simple stuff like “bloody” and “tosser” will be frowned upon.


IF: Client says “fuck” in first meeting.

THEN: There are no rules, swear like shaggery.