Being John Appleseed
a sociable Apple user

Who are these mysterious people who send gushing emails (and so, so many photos) to Apple’s fictional John Appleseed? Why do they go on so many trips, and have so many parties? What does John Appleseed think? I decided to work out the answer to that last one myself. I gained access to John Appleseed’s replies – curiously absent from all the demo machines in Apple Stores – to see what he sends back.

Jane writes - Hi everyone, I'm so excited to see everyone at dinner tonight. Parking can be tough near the restaurant, so I would arrive early to give yourself time to find a spot. The address is below. Call if anything comes up. See you at 7.30!

Dear Jane,
How exciting! Frances is an excellent choice. I’m not that sold on the food, but the presentation is Insta-tastic. I can’t wait to send an email-load of photos to my friends Allen and Katie the day after we’ve been there.

Now I think about it, this will be the third time this month that we have gathered for a meal out. Perhaps we should celebrate that next week with another? Or maybe a weekend camping trip? How about Yosemite? There are photos I haven’t got there yet, and now I have a new iPhone 8 to take them with.

I’m thinking next week I might go sailing. And climbing. Oh, and we simply have to try this new Korean place I heard about. I’ll iMessage you.

Can’t wait to see you tonight at 7.30, as planned and booked in Calendar.

Katie writes - John, visiting you in San Francisco was so much fun. We definitely need to head back soon. Here are some pictures from our trip.

Dear Katie,
What a fantastic time I had showing you around! You and your family are welcome here any time. Your visit was a great way to remind myself of all the fabulous sights in this wonderful city.

So pleased your delightful kids enjoyed themselves. And your husband is every bit as charming as I remember him from your wedding day.

Forgive me, I must rush off now - Reminders has just reminded me that I’m supposed to be going to a concert tonight, and Siri thinks I’d better leave in the next 20 minutes if I’m going to get there on time!

Here are some photos of my trip to Sweden back in 2015. Such a great time!

I’ll iMessage you.

Take care,

Mary writes - Hey everyone, Thanks for joining us for Troy's birthday. We all had an amazing time celebrating together. The kids had an absolute blast. They're already planning next year's party. We took a lot of pictures, but this one is a favorite.

Hi Mary
Troy is such a great boy, you must be so proud. I had a good time talking to all the other moms and dads. Kids parties are so much fun, right?

I have fond memories (and 28 photos in Photos) of our weekend trip to LA back in the spring. I also have 17 photos in Photos from last Thanksgiving at your place. And that Halloween party! I have asked Siri to set a reminder in Reminders to ask you about plans for the next one.

Did you iMessage me already about next year for Troy? I can’t remember. I’ll check.


Allen writes - Hi John, Hope all is well with you. I am coming home from London and was wondering if you might be able to pick me up from the airport? My flight lands at 1.20pm in SFO. Flight is United Airlines 900. Had a great time, but looking forward to getting home. Hoe you enjoy the photo below.

Allen, hi!
Allen I would love to pick you up, but I can see in Calendar that I have a clash: I’m going out to a fancy restaurant with Jane, Emily, Derek, Tom and Vivian tonight.

I just asked Siri about routes and traffic and she said it’s looking unlikely that I’ll be able to pick you up and be back early enough to find a parking spot in the neighbourhood near the restaurant. Sorry man.

Get an Uber and iMessage me.

Oh wait, didn’t you buy some weird Android phone? Does that do iMessage? Whatever.

Derek writes - Hi John, our family holiday to Australia was incredible. We visited Sydney, Brisbane and Melbourne, and had a lot of fun in each city. The weather was absolutely perfect. Even when we travelled inland, it never got too hot. And when we were on the ocean, we lucked out with perfect beach weather. In Sydney, we visited the Opera House and managed to get tickets to the Symphony Orchestra. We captured some great photos on our trip, check them out.

Hey Derek,
I love Australia! I just checked it out on Apple Maps and it looks amazing. I would love to go there myself one day. I have a few empty weeks in summer 2021, so I’ve just asked Siri to block-book that time for a trip Down Under!

I’m using Safari’s Reading List to save lots of web articles about hotels and flights. That way I can read them on my Mac, other other Mac, or my iPhone. Or iPad. Or my old iPhone, which is still sort of hanging around in the kitchen. You know how that happens, right?

Siri says she knows about some good restaurants too.

Let’s iMessage about that camping weekend we discussed at the last party. We need to get it done before the Halloween trip, but after the late September BBQ. Not enough weekends in the day!

Here are some photos of some kids party I went to. Check them out.


Emily writes - John, our trip to San Francisco was so much fun. We biked over the Golden Gate Bridge on a perfect San Francisco day. The view was beautiful and we rode our bikes from the bridge down to the beach and then took a ferry back to the city. We also spent a lot of time trying out as many restaurants as we could. The food was fantastic. There was so much more we want to see. We definitely need to head back soon. Here are some photos from our trip.

I’m so glad you made it here at last! I know how beautiful it is because I still live here!

I’m a little hurt that you didn’t iMessage me while you were in town. We could have hung out, maybe. Although I have been extremely busy with parties, trips, vacations and social calls. Now I look back through Calendar, I can see that there have been barely a handful of dates when I could have seen you, even if you had iMessaged. So maybe it’s for the best that you didn’t.

Maybe iMessage me in advance next time. Just to see.

Take care

PS Did you mean to send that mail to me? I’m not sure. Here are some photos my friend Allen sent me from London.

Filed under: satire
(14 Oct 2017)