It’s been just a few weeks since world famous designer Jony Ive announced his departure from Apple, after 27 years working there.
Jony was famous not just for his designs, but for the promotional videos he filmed to explain the thinking behind them.
I recently obtained a zip file of video clips, all of them outtakes from some of those filming sessions.
So I’m exclusively publishing these few outtake transcriptions:
(A white room. Jony on a stool. Camera rolling, film crew behind it.)
JONY: We make iPhones by crafting them from solid lumps of Samsung phones, melting them down, and –
(Laughter off camera. Jony cracks up.)
JONY: Sorry, I couldn’t resist.
-cut-
JONY: The new MacBook Pro is more than a computer, it’s a statement of intent. It says to the world – shit, I’ve forgotten the line.
(Laughter.)
PRODUCER (off camera): It says to the world “I’m ready for you.”
JONY: Clearly I’m not ready for anything this morning.
(Laughter.)
-cut-
JONY: This new MacBook keyboard is revolutionary. We’ve made it slim, yet solid. Firm, yet almost formless. Typing on this computer is an experience unlike anything we’ve ever –
(Noises off camera.)
JONY: – what? What?
CREW MEMBER: (Inaudible comments.)
JONY: Well that’s the first I’ve heard of that happening.
CREW MEMBER: (Inaudible comments.)
JONY: I’d take it to the Apple Store if I were you. Sounds like a rare malfunction.
(Noises off camera.)
JONY: (Looks around the whole crew.) What, all of you?
CREW MEMBER: It’s a piece of shit, Jony.
JONY: Look can we just cut for a second?
-cut-
JONY: Apple Watch is an incredible new form factor for us to explore. Some people call it a computer on your wrist, but I think it’s way more than that. Apple Watch is an assistant, a friend, a parent, a colleague who can help you. It’s like you’ve got a whole new person with you, always. Actually lads I think we should re-write this one.
-cut-
JONY: Aluminium.
DIRECTOR: Aluminum.
JONY: Aluminium.
DIRECTOR: Aluminum.
JONY: Look we can go round in circles all day if you like. We say aluminium in Chingford. Steve never had a problem with it.
DIRECTOR: Fine. OK. Let’s do another take, everybody.
-cut-
JONY: The new iMac represents a staggering step forward for Apple. With an outer shell crafted from a single piece of aluminium, it’s as much a work of art as it is a computer.
(CRAIG FEDERIGHI appears behind JONY, emerging stage left. He’s wearing a t-shirt that says “I’m with stupid” on it. He’s grinning and holds his finger up to his mouth to shhh the crew.)
JONY (contd): We’ve combined the very latest technologies inside this fantastically slim body, so that you get the most powerful desktop computer you can buy for the money, but you also get a device that you’ll love looking at every day.
(CRAIG creeps closer to JONY. Stifled giggling from the crew.)
JONY: What? What?
(JONY turns round.)
JONY: You bastard.
CRAIG (huge grin): Hi Jony!
(Laughter.)
JONY: You utter bastard.
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JONY: We’ve spent years designing our iOS products as a touch experience, and we feel that they’re exactly the right place for that. Our laptop computers, such as the beautiful MacBook Pro or MacBook Air, aren’t designed to offer touch experiences. It would be totally wrong to add touch technology to those screens. What’s going on?
(Noises off camera.)
DIRECTOR: Jony, someone’s arrived from Tim’s office with a note for you.
JONY: OK let me see.
(A crew member steps into view and hands Jony a note. He reads it.)
JONY: OK. Right. We need to do another take.
DIRECTOR: Fine. Everyone ready? Quiet please. In your own time, Jony.
JONY: We’ve spent years designing our iOS products as a touch experience, and now – (he pauses and looks down at the note in his hand) – now we’re announcing that our much loved laptop computers, the MacBook Pro and MacBook Air, will also offer touch experiences with this new update. With just a tap of your finger on the beautiful Retina display, you’ll be able to – no, wait, I can’t do this.
(He steps down off his stool and walks off camera.)
(Noises off.)
JONY (off camera): No, bugger this. I quit. I told them no, but clearly they don’t care what I think any more. I quit. I’m off.
DIRECTOR: Jony! Jony, wait!
(Sound of a door slamming.)
DIRECTOR: Dammit.
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Filed under: satire
(25 July 2019)