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Nursery rhyme insurance claims

Magic Fairy Land Insurance Ltd,
Pudding Lane
Round-the-hill-and-back-again
There There
Ye Olde Englande

FAO: Little Boy Who Lives Down the Lane

Sir,

We received your recent claim regarding two full missing bags of wool, and attached sheet outlining the circumstances of the loss thereof.

Following our own independent investigations and a lengthy interview with your contractor, Baa Baa Black Sheep, we find that while the precise nature of your agreement is unclear, Mr Sheep did not fail to keep his side of any bargain. Since there exists no paper contract and instead, merely the “gentleman’s agreement” you mention in your claim, we find no evidence that Mr Sheep deliberately deprived you of wool. Indeed, it would seem that his contracts with other customers, particularly the Master and the Dame, were fulfilled to their entire satisfaction. The Dame, in particular, has supplied us with a most positive reference with regard to Mr Sheep’s ongoing business relationship with her.

We therefore find your claim invalid, and regret that we shall not be paying for the cost of two replacement full bags of wool, plus expenses and the amount for damages you specified.

We trust that this decision meets with your approval. If you have any further questions, please do not hesitate to call our customer service helpline.

Sincerely,

MFL Insurance Ltd

***

Magic Fairy Land Insurance Ltd,
Pudding Lane
Round-the-hill-and-back-again
There There
Ye Olde Englande

FAO: Boy who looks after the sheep

Sir,

We received your claim for loss of earnings and have devoted considerable thought to it. We regret, however, that we cannot meet your request and that your claim falls outside the terms laid out in your insurance premium document (copy attached).

You state in your claim that you were, and we quote, “under a haycock, fast asleep” when your colleague and would-be assistant, Little Boy Blue, set about blowing his horn. The sheep was not, as you claimed, settled down in front of the Aga – instead it was in the meadow, a fact confirmed by a number of independent witnesses. Neither was the cow enjoying a relaxing sauna, as you claimed – it was seen by Blue and others in the corn.

Since your duties as boy-who-looks-after-the-sheep were specifically to keep the sheep from entering the meadow area, there is a clear case of dereliction of duty, and we find no merit to your claim in any form whatsoever. What’s more, while your job title made no mention of looking-after-the-cow, we consider such a duty implicit, and therefore find your professional misconduct all the more alarming.

We therefore respectfully decline your claim and suggest that, in future, you take your professional responsibilities more seriously. Or failing that, find an alternative supplier of insurance policies.

Sincerely,

MFL Insurance Ltd

***

Magic Fairy Land Insurance Ltd,
Pudding Lane
Round-the-hill-and-back-again
There There
Ye Olde Englande

FAO: Mrs Grundy (wife of Mr Solomon Grundy, deceased)

Madam,

Permit us to begin our letter with an expression of our most sincere condolences following the tragic and early death of your husband. Although brief, his life touched many and the news of his demise caused much grief and upset here at the offices of Magic Fairy Insurance. He was a great man who achieved much in a very short time, and for his achievements he will always be remembered.

Now let us turn to your life insurance claim, which we received shortly after the news of Mr Grundy’s passing.

You married Mr Grundy on Wednesday, as soon as was possible given his fast-paced life. We note that your life insurance policy began on that same day.

We also note that it is a matter of public record that Mr Grundy was taken ill the very next day, Thursday. The two of you did not even enjoy a honeymoon.

Furthermore, he was worse the following day. There is no record of any attempt to consult a doctor, and you did not mention any medical history or the name of any professionals in that field. Already, we regret to point out, your actions (or lack of them) fall foul of several of the terms and conditions laid out in our life insurance policy documents (copies attached).

Mr Grundy’s condition must have worsened very rapidly indeed, and he died on the Saturday. While we have no doubt that this was a traumatic event for you and the rest of the Grundy family, we note with some concern that no time was allowed for any sort of post-mortem, and that Mr Grundy was buried (with what some might say was indecent haste) the following day.

Your claim letter was written the day after that.

Mrs Grundy, we do not doubt your devotion to your husband, and we mourn his passing as much as the rest of the community. But we consider his life insurance policy null and void, and your related claim likewise. While your haste to file the claim might be an attempt to honour your late husband’s tendency to act swiftly and get things done with the minimum of delay, we find that his passing, and your actions, do not fall within the strict terms of our policy.

For that reason, and with the greatest respect, we must decline your claim for a life insurance payout.

Sincerely,

MFL Insurance Ltd

(31st August 2009)